It’s been a interesting week. I feel like now that I’ve made my year’s intention clear and declared it, my heart has been more open to what the universe or fate or spirit has in store. All these thoughts are running around in my head. So instead of heading to bed, I’m writing after midnight.
In this week’s class, the oracle card I drew told me to take the first step. I see it as further acknowledgement that this year’s intention is the right one. I’ve kind of dived in with a lot of changes in my life this month, and I’ve had moments where I wondered if I’m going to be able to maintain this momentum.
Kurimoto Japanese Garden, U of A Botanic Garden (July 24, 2018)
I’ve been working pretty closely with a clinic and their staff for the past month, so I’ve gotten to know them better. It’s been fun to spend time in a clinic instead of my lonely home office. A few of the staff have commented about how great I am, how nice it has been for me to come work with them over several days, and how cool my job seems to be. My instinct is to downplay compliments like that. That voice in the back of my head always says that people just say that to be polite. I’m trying to learn how to accept praise with grace and gratitude. I am proud to be in a job I love and in a position to help others be the best they can be.
A wonderful essential oil blend we made in this week’s class
One of the reasons I’m taking this class on self-acceptance is to help me figure out who I am. I’m thinking that it will be hard to find my path with heart if I don’t know myself in a deeper way . One of the women said something that really made me think. She said that we tend to derive our identity from things that are external to us like a job, spouse, or children. I started running through my head all the ways I self-identify…and it’s true. I tie my identity and self-worth very much to my job in particular. Plus, I’m constantly comparing myself to other people and finding myself coming up short, literally and figuratively. I think one of the reasons people use external factors is that they are visible to others and therefore better measures of success. But what is success really? It’s different for each one of us. Finding something inside my soul with which to identify is more difficult and requires a deeper level of comfort with myself that I don’t have yet. I am hopeful that this journey will get me there.
I was telling my hairdresser about what I’ve been doing to work on myself so far. I said rather self-deprecatingly that we’ll see if I have the motivation to keep this going past January. She pointed out that the key is changing your state of mind. If I can manage that, then I will find the motivation to do what I want to do. I was pretty quiet about this journey of self-improvement, but as I’ve been opening up and telling people it has become more real. In a way, I’ve taken this internal dialogue and externalized it. Maybe that’s going backwards given what I just said a paragraph ago. However, my motivation has grown as the people around me have told me their stories and given me encouragement. I am definitely changing my state of mind and finding the strength to keep going.
A colleague did a presentation last year that talked about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. He was using it in a different context, but it popped in my head just now. My intrinsic motivation is to be happier with myself. Telling people about this is turning it into an extrinsic motivation. Is that okay? Or maybe it’s not turning into an extrinsic motivation so much as I’m adding another layer of motivation on top of the original one. In my heart, I’m doing this for me, but the reward of hearing other people’s feedback does feel good. Even the act of writing this blog post is partly to gain the reward of feedback. It’s mostly because I love to write though, and that’s intrinsic. I am going to have to mull that over when I’m not so tired.
And so, even though I have many more thoughts, I’m going to end here. I will be pretty impressed if anyone can follow these ramblings, but if you did, thank you. I am happy that you are a part of my journey.
January 26, 2019
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itaga sa bato 
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