04
Jul
11

Summer and New Beginnings

With the onset of summer, I’m gearing up for the end of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one.  After 8 years at my current job, I’m moving on to a new clinic.  A new environment, new challenges.  It’s all quite exciting, but I’ve been feeling very maudlin for the past few weeks.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” ~Seneca

Eight years is a long time in optometry.  Very few optometric assistants last that long in the industry, much less in the same clinic.  I’m leaving for a variety of reasons: more hours (something I worried about in a previous post), more stability, and the chance to use my skills and training to their fullest potential.  I’m getting everything I’ve dreamed about for the past couple of years, and yet, I wonder if I’m making the right decision.  I care deeply for my colleagues and the patients I’ve known all these years.  A part of me feels like I’m copping out and running away, instead of staying and trying to make things work.  The big “what if I’m making a huge mistake?” is keeping me awake at night.

Mahon Park, North Vancouver

I saw these great examples of rock balancing in Mahon Park this past weekend, while spending time with some good friends. The rocks really struck a chord with me.

I feel like that little rock in the photo below. Trying to find my balance and figure out where I belong.  We all juggle roles, duties, chores, tasks on a daily basis.  That’s nothing new.  For the past little while, however, I can’t seem to figure out what will make me happy.  I thought that going back to school would fill that need in me to make something of myself.  It only got me frustrated and exhausted.  I thought that my second job as a lecturer/workshop coach would ease the pressure of monotony that I felt in my primary job.  It made me want more than my primary job could offer me.  I thought that searching for a new job would finally make me happy.  Yet, I’m filled with sadness and regret.

Trying to find Balance

There’s a peace I sense when I look at those rocks.  Someone gave them a purpose, however fleeting it might have been.  I want to feel like I have a purpose in being here.  In going to work every day.  I had it once, but it was taken away from me when I tried to break out of the daily routine.

Maybe that’s what I’m grieving for.  For what my work life used to be, when I had a place, a role and a reason for being a member of that team.  Part of me regrets ever having started to veer away from that path.  Then again, I know that if I hadn’t tried to go to school, if I hadn’t taken the teaching position, then I wouldn’t be the same person right now.  Instead of thinking “what if I’m making a mistake?”, I would probably be thinking “what if this is all there is?”.  What is it about human nature that makes us constantly question the status quo?  Or, I suppose the better question is what is it about me that I can’t just be happy?

Oh well.  While trying to keep my mind off the little demon thoughts that constantly run around in my head, I went on a photo walk with my friend Cindi on Canada Day.  It’s been a long while since I’ve enjoyed a good walk among the flowers.  I’m still working through the lot, but here some of my favourites so far.






© All rights reserved, missmylin 2011.

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© Myra Madrilejos, missmylin and "itaga sa bato", 2010 to present. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. All photography on this blog is copyright protected. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Myra Madrilejos and itaga sa bato with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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