Project 365 – Day 114

Soul

Weekend thoughts

So as I was saying in the last post, it’s been rough over the past couple of weeks.  Here, at the 6 month point of my job, I thought that I was doing really well.  There’s nothing like messing up royally to take the wind out of your sails.  And now I’m sitting here wondering if I’m cut out for the job.  It would be really easy to give up and say, “You know what? Maybe someone else would be better suited to the job than me.”  It’s tempting.  But, I have invested so much into this career change that it would be ridiculous to give up without trying to make it work.

Life as I know it (then and now)

It’s been a very lazy weekend.  Spent most of yesterday napping (which made it horrendous to try and sleep last night) and playing with the cats.  Got a late start to the morning.  Ended up treating myself to a bath with one of Saje’s Well Being bath swishes.  If you know this product, then you know that there’s a little message inside.  Here’s mine.

Day 17: What do you want to be when you get older?

Over the past few days, I’ve been wondering if this blog challenge was made up by someone fairly young.  What with all the crushes on celebrities and whatnot.  Now I’m pretty sure that the author was much younger than me.  He or she would have to be to ask this kind of question today.

You know what I want to be when I get older?  I want to be

Day 11: What is your favourite quote?

All paths are the same, leading nowhere.
Therefore follow the path with heart.
~ Carlos Castaneda

The story of this quote and how I consider it my guide in life goes back a few years.  In 2005,

Day 7: Do you read? What are your favourite books?

Years ago, a former employer asked me if I read. I must have given him a puzzled look because he then clarified and asked if I read for fun. Back then it seemed like such an odd question; of course I read for fun. I was constantly reading as a kid. When we’d go to the school library to pick out a book for the week, I’d be so busy reading the books that I’d forget to actually pick one to read later. More recently, I read the last Harry Potter book in less that 24 hours (it would have been faster but work got in the way).

Summer and New Beginnings

With the onset of summer, I’m gearing up for the end of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one.  After 8 years at my current job, I’m moving on to a new clinic.  A new environment, new challenges.  It’s all quite exciting, but I’ve been feeling very maudlin for the past few weeks.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” ~Seneca

Eight years is a long time in optometry.  Very few optometric assistants last that long in the industry, much less in the same clinic.  I’m leaving for a variety of reasons:

Another twist in my path

Butchart Garden, Victoria, BC

~ All paths are the same, leading nowhere.  Therefore follow the path with heart. ~
~ Carlos Castaneda

It’s been a very long time since my last post.  Mainly because I’ve been really busy. The new year started with my teaching job with the Canadian Association of Optometrists.  From January until April, I’ve taught workshops in Richmond, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Halifax and Toronto. I really love teaching, and that’s something that I never thought would be possible a few years ago.  I get tired of packing and unpacking my suitcase. I always think that I would love to sleep in my bed for longer than 2 weeks at a time.  My cats smother me with attention because they miss me.  Yet, by mid-May, I was already wishing I was on the road again.

Busy’s good; I always say that it keeps me out of trouble.  But up until now, keeping busy has given me an excuse to avoid facing a big worry.  Workshops are done until next year.  What do I do next?

Stanley Park, Vancouver, BC

~ Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer. ~
~ Dorothy Rowe

That’s how I’ve been feeling.  The unknown is weighing down on me and consuming my thoughts.  I suffer from depression, and when something gets me down, I think and ruminate and obsess and over-analyze. It’s like I’m spinning my tires and going nowhere fast.  I can set down my worries momentarily while I have to do something else, but the second I’m done a task I’m right back to the thinking cycle.  I think my brain’s been wired to work along these same neural pathways for so long that I have to really struggle to forge new paths of thinking.  And these past 2 weeks, I just haven’t had the energy to fight the good fight.

Some people in my life think it’s unwise for me to openly talk about my depression.  That stigma still exists in our society.  “Just snap out of it.”  “Stop thinking so negatively.”  “Why do you do this to yourself?”  Just some of the comments I’ve received over the years.  I think that if we all keep silent about depression, the more it remains misunderstood.  When I was first diagnosed, I felt so incredibly alone. Then, slowly, I learned that a number of people around me are in the same struggle.  I’ve discovered which friends I can lean on for support.  And I’ve found strength in myself that I didn’t know was there.

The Yosef Wosk Reflecting Pool, UBC

~ Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. ~
~ Buddha ~

I’m working at coming out of this dark hole.  Good friends have been here to make sure that I continue to be an active participant in my own life.  If I can find a way to tame my thoughts, find new paths for them to follow, then I think I will find the peace that I so desperately need.  I was at UBC just last week, and this place with its natural serenity embodies what I want in my mind and soul.  I must continue to follow my path with heart.

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